Day 2 – Poison!

Lies Truth

5169044 s Day 2   Poison!

Last night I went to a class that I didn’t want to go to, for a variety of reasons. I could feel the resistance within me from about lunchtime and I felt like a little kid who wants to throw a tantrum because they don’t want to do what’s being requested of them. It’s a really funny feeling, like everything within me is refusing to go. When I look at it though, the reasons don’t seem to be valid. It’s not like that feeling you get when the Holy Spirit is telling you not to go, it’s like a feeling of rebellion against doing what you know would be good for you. (Kinda like the feeling I get when I’m presented with chocolate icon smile Day 2   Poison! )

I’ve begun to be more sensitive to these feelings when they come up, because I know that feeling this way isn’t from God. I guess that it’s my version of ‘taking myself by the scruff of the neck’ and sorting myself out. I’ve actually asked the Holy Spirit to tell me when I’m experiencing something that isn’t from Him. To make me aware of what’s going on so that I can look at it and deal with it according to what He says, instead of just reacting. It’s an interesting journey because sometimes it works ‘in time’ and sometimes I can feel the resistance within me. Sometimes I just want to be able to go with the feeling of self-pity or ‘you done me wrong’. It’s like I want to stay in my little place of hurt and be allowed to feel the feelings of hurt for the way I feel I’ve been mistreated in any given situation 9crazy when you look at it in the light of day)

My thinking goes – “but what they did/said to me wasn’t right – how come I can’t feel angry about that for a while before I need/choose to forgive them?”

Maybe this is where this verse comes into play – ‘Be angry, but sin not’. Maybe it’s the permission to feel the emotion, just not to let it dictate our behavior and cause us to be nasty to ourselves or to someone else.

One of the things that I know happens to me when I allow the feeling to have its way, is that I can physically feel a welling up of what can only be described as poison, within me. I can feel the back of my throat beginning to hurt (like when you’re about to cry). My face contorts into a grimace and I can feel all my insides getting knotted up. The more the thoughts of indignation build, the worse I feel. This, for me, is where the real battleground is. There’s a sort of perverse pleasure to be had out of stacking up the evidence against the person who has ‘wronged’ you. I tend to ‘build a case for my defense’ in my head. Logical arguments that I can present to whoever would like to challenge the way I feel entitled to feel. It’s quite a fascinating process when I analyse it.

Unfortunately, what happens all too often, is that I allow the poison that builds up inside of me, to spill over onto whoever is nearest to me. Now, being a ‘nice Christian’, I manage to reign that in to a big degree when I’m around others, but when I get home, I unleash it for all it’s worth. Isn’t it funny how we do that? Why do we feel that it’s OK to let all that hurt spill out onto those that we’re supposed to love the most? Is it because we hope/know that they’ll be more likely to forgive us because they love us? Is it because we feel safe enough with them, to be able to let the hurt out?

One of the lessons I’m learning though, is to keep my mouth shut when I feel that building up of poison. The things I sometimes say when I let it out, are so hurtful that I know I’m causing damage every time I say them and then, of course, I deeply regret having said them when I’ve calmed down.

So, last night, I got to the place where I realized that if I want people to be faithful to their commitment to attend the talks and classes that I’ll put on, I need to sow the seed of honouring the commitment I made when I signed up for this class. So, I got myself ready and headed out into the cold, dark, wet night and went to the class. I got home in an even worse mood than when I left and I could feel the poison really close to the surface. When I get like this, any little thing can set off a tirade. I walked into a situation that I’ve asked my household to honour me in – for years – and I realized that if I wasn’t careful, I would ‘blow’. So I made the decision to just quietly get ready for bed, all the while asking the Holy Spirit to help me not let the poison build up any more. I took myself off to bed without saying much to anyone. I told Strife to get lost in Jesus’ name and went to sleep!

This morning I’ve woken up feeling much better. One of the things I always do after I’ve had a bad reaction (?) – a reaction that doesn’t seem to be in line with the fruit of the spirit, is ask the LORD why I reacted that way? What is wrong? What hurt or fear made me react in the way that I did?

It’s a fascinating study to do when the heat of the emotion has died down. I always walk away with some insight into what makes me tick and how the Holy Spirit is helping me to heal, little by little, every day.

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